The Dimmed Light of My Soul

Today, the faint blue light of my screen faded as I put my laptop to sleep. I sat there, still, warmth lingering in my chest, and I wrote:

“My nature and my path. What is not me is dropping away.”

Just moments earlier, I had emerged from an IFS (Internal Family Systems) session—my body softer, a space inside me touched in a new way. I felt alive. Really alive. And connected to the truth about me.

For 45 minutes, I’d been gently guided into my inner system, where we worked with a part of me that often gets ignored because of the desperate energy my body feels when this part is activated. When this part is up, another part comes in like strong hands pressing me to my chair, forcing me to stay until our deadline is met—the desperation, the feeling of somehow not meeting that deadline, and the invisible consequences. This part, that feels like strong hands wants the scared feeling gone.

I can understand why parts of me wanted to get away from that feeling by meeting the deadline. It turns out, like me, the protective part didn’t really know the whole story of this other part. It wasn't just scared...it feels like it is being forced to be something it’s not. Read on.

Today’s session wasn’t like most of the sessions I have. Normally, there is much more dialogue—an understanding of the part and parts that were protecting or polarized with it. Sometimes, a releasing of some kind of old belief or burden, and then space within the system.

This session, like the past few sessions with my coach, was different. There has been zero dialogue with the parts, and access to the parts has been easy and deep—and often disorienting at first. But then, as my coach has allowed the space and the Self energy to be there (from both of us), I've been taken on an inner journey that moves through time -inner physics is marvelous. I got to know, on a deep, deep level, that I am made for—and to some degree, from—something different than the corporate world I am leaving (but still hanging on to—and perhaps it is hanging on to me).

As I write this, I feel, on a cellular level, more connected to who I am. I am aware and know that: I’m not seeking meaning—as it is seeking me. I want to write that again, as it feels so profound to say it:

I’m not seeking meaning—as it is seeking me.

Like I can’t help but change how I express myself on the outside, as my inner world opens up and touches the realness inside me.

I’ve felt it before, for sure. I’ve been a seeker all my life. This work feels deeper and richer and its here to stay.

The part I connected with today held some truth about me that I couldn’t know. It has basically been telling me, “You don’t fit the mold you made for yourself.” Today, it showed me—what I was made of and made for.

I know some of this won’t make sense, and part of me feels like I shouldn’t even write this out. But it feels right to do it. Perhaps this lands for someone else. Perhaps there is an ache inside you that whispers something that you need to hear.

The dimming of my soul no longer works. It no longer serves me. It doesn’t protect me like it used to—because parts of me are no longer scared that life is too big or scary.

My soul feels more like who I am—and what I am made of.